Ask Roxanne!

Dear Roxanne,
What do you do when your boss takes food off of your lunch plate, and picks up personal books from your desk? I have stopped eating lunch with my co-workers and put all of my personal property in my bag, but I don't think I should have to do that. What do you think?

– Robin R.

Dear Robin,
Hey, here's a thought: Bake a bunch of chili-pepper-and-laxative cookies and pile them on your lunch plate. Seriously though, it's easy to dismiss this as a frivolous thing—unless you've been there. This isn't just about the food or the books. It's also a matter of personal boundaries. You shouldn't have to change your routine or cut back on face time with coworkers because someone else can't keep his hands in his lap. I've written this week's column about personal boundaries at work. I hope it helps!

– Roxanne

Do you have a question about how to handle a situation or a relationship in the workplace? Ask Roxanne!

The Line Crossing Boss — Protecting Personal Space at Work

"So he took my chips from the break room. No big deal."
"So he took a bite of the cookie on my desk. No big deal."
"So he calls me Honey."
"So he puts his hand on my shoulder while leaning in to look at my computer screen."

When your boss crosses personal boundaries, it's tempting to say "No big deal" at first. Nobody wants to look like a party pooper. It's easy to tell yourself he or she is just trying to break down those barriers that divide people in the office.

That's a fine idea in some ways—but a few of those barriers are there for a very good reason. Personal boundaries give us a clear sense of who we are. You don't give up your personal dignity or your sense of self when you sign a contract. Neither do you give up your rights to get through the day with your space, your stuff, and your person uninvaded.

It's not as much of an issue when it's one of your peers spooning into your yogurt or sneaking a Flaming Hot Cheeto out of your bag. Few people would have a problem saying, "Uh, excuse me, Miss Manners" to Cindy from Accounting.

But when it's the boss, no matter how good and casual the atmosphere is, there is a power differential that makes it much harder to speak up and therefore NOT OK. The boss signs your check. The boss oversees your evaluations. The boss can fire you. Therefore, the boss is not your peer, even if he or she wants to be. And that means the rules HAVE to be different than they are with Cindy, Greg, and Bill.

When the boss is crossing lines, you need to have a clear but low-key conversation about boundaries as early in the game as possible—i.e. LONG before you get to leaning in too close when looking at the computer screen. Don't get unraveled or bent out of shape. Realize that he or she is almost certainly clueless, not evil.

Next time the boss's hand lands on something that belongs to you, kindly say, "Personal space, dude. When you do that, I feel like I need to hide things because it's unsafe. My request is that you stop doing that. Do I have your word?"

This will do the trick 95 percent of the time. The five percent who keep it up despite your clear objection are either terminally clueless or intentionally harassing you. In either case, there will be no end to it, and you are justified in heading up the chain of command to protect yourself.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries starts with being aware of your own feelings and needs. The best time to set personal boundaries is BEFORE lines are being crossed, but wherever you are in the process, there are two steps to take:

• Be honest with yourself about your boundaries.
• Make clear requests about your boundaries and ask for commitments to respect them.

Easier said than done, I know—but master those two steps and you'll be amazed at the confidence and sense of control you'll feel!